I was reflecting on the life I have lived in this planet. It was almost my thirty-sixth year celebration. I was happy deep in my heart as I smiled on the many dangers that my days in life had passed. At Thirty six and with a wife and two school going kids, i felt i was truly blessed. Suddenly my heart was troubled, my soul wandered and my spirit was silent. It was like they were refusing to console my heart. I felt helpless as My mind also refused to voice solutions to cool down the fear in my heart.
The sadness I felt scared my being, I started getting angrily, I felt lonely and scared. There was no one I could turn to. My better half was peacefully enjoying the better half of the night. I started getting angry because she was sound asleep while my heart was bleeding inside. She is the only person I have ever turned to with any real issue about my personal life.
My spirit refused to pray, the only way I overcome fear, not one word come out of my mouth. I was silent, I could feel the stillness like everything had stopped moving. I was fully awake but it seemed like I was in a dream, I pulled the bedside drawer and picked a pen and my note-book, the two items i normally use to relieve pressure, I was going to write a work-plan. I could not go on waiting for things to happen and be caught an aware.
I had gone through a very tough financial difficulties when my younger son was joining school. I had somehow managed but i felt i should have planned for it earlier, I could have accomplished much in the thirty-six years that i have been in this planet, if only I wrote a work plan.
This was a different thought, all my life, I wake up every morning and do what I find to do. I have never had a plan. I believe that God knows what I need and he guides me in that direction. I felt like I was loosing faith in the teachings of the bible.
With the pen and an empty page I wrote this question, “What did I do to make you unsure?” the question was from me but I knew it was also addressed to me.
I wanted to argue within myself because I knew what this was all about, the confrontations had started, back when i was about seven but had disappeared for a while until i got baptized at the age of thirty. Since then it had been a war field in my brains between the me that feels and touch and the me that guides and instructs.
The worldly me had built a strong case, He had the school fees issue , the late rent payment and the fact that we needed almost everything new, from the sofa seat to door mat.It had been a while since we had saved anything in the family account. Our finances had been doing very badly to the point of hand to mouth. As much as I tried, I could not find a better reason to console my fears. I was silent.
There was nothing i could think of that would make me want to give up my faith in God, but the spirit did not respond. I left it an answered and in the open book, i wrote the second question, “What did I do to make you not trust me?”
Again I had no answer knowing how much, before this night, I had entirely depended on the instructions and guidance from the same spirit. I covered my head and stopped my ears but it was in vain, My career and my family are the fruits of the voice that speaks to my heart. The voice that has been my guide since i was a small boy.I turned on the right side of my bedroom and looked at my son, He was beautifully sleeping with a smile across his face, probably dreaming of a great day out with Daddy,not even with his sister seemed troubled. My wife was breathing smoothly beside me, confident that her husband was there next to her to protect her from any danger.
Again i could not find a better explanation. I wrote the third question.” When did you notice the difference?”
I was not about to raise my voice or shout with bitterness, the dialogue was personal. My body was not responding and it felt like it was not part of the confrontation. I did not have any answer to the questions. I folded my hands over my chest and raised my body to sit down. I was ready to speak my part and ask for the reason for all this.
Before I could say the things I felt deep inside the writing with my own hand posed another question. “Why do you act your part if you don’t honestly believe?”
I felt I should not go on inflicting pain on myself. I built the courage to ask. What is this all about and who wants to know the answer ?. I could not bear the emptiness in my mind. The questions were too much for me and not one of the things I knew before offered relieve.I cried in my heart because of emptiness I felt inside. I could overcome any kind of outside attack but this one was too painful, the two principles that describes who i am had found fault with each other. I could not take anymore.
I took a pen and wrote one more question, “Do you still not believe?” It was then that My senses came back . I remembered I had prayed just before going to bed, I had asked God to help me trust him more. Although i had not saved for my son’s fees and the house rent , i did not owe anybody .
I smiled and pulled the bed-cover, I was much better without a work plan. Tomorrow is the day to start saving, yesterday is gone.